Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
