and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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