make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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