Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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