Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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