I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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