You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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