After last night, I could never be a politician.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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