a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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