I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
you have to choose: penises or morals?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
