ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
