youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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