You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
