I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
