you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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