sorry about calling you the devil all night.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
