What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
