I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize