She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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