they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
