he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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