I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
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