Define "chronic" masturbator.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
