I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize
