I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
