Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
