Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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