a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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