I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Everything about him screamed your future.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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