I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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