Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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