Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
