I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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