I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
