like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
