This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
