this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
