from now on my penis is your penis
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
