I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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