Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
