I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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