I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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