Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
