okay pat passed out under dana's car
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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