I just threw up on my dentist
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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