I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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