Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
