You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
