If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
