one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
