Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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