I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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