He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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