dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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