I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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