Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize